Attempt #8971594306.

I like writing, I really do. It’s not that I’m at all good at it (because I’m really quite terrible at maintaining a single train of thought), but I like being able to translate the mess in my head to strands of ink that decorate pages, or in this case, pixels on the monitor. I also happen to like long sentences, because for some reason, clauses that get tacked on to other clauses that get strung to other clauses is a method that makes sense to me. Maybe it’s because that’s how I feel all the time. That there’s this never-ending commentary that just needs to somehow be expressed. Maybe I can decipher my own confusion by brain-dumping on a journal page or a blog. I don’t know. 

Back to the title (see, this is what I mean by getting side-tracked). Every time I start something new - a new experience - I want to capture every moment of that new thing. And because writing is cathartic for me, almost just as much baking is, I try to journal. And it works pretty well. For the first two weeks. And then I’m overwhelmed with the responsibility of having to catch up and re-internal-process the musings I’ve crammed and compressed and condensed and forgotten about. So, of course, I put off the journaling until I just completely give up and toss aside my notebook. Bah humbug, you know? 

I’ve had a Tumblr for quite a few years now, but I’ve never really put anything truly personal and honest on that platform. All that social constructs and wanting to present this ideal virtual identity stuff we talk about in class definitely screws up my “I swear these are my legitimate, deep, dark, personal, intimate thoughts” posts. So I just stopped with those altogether and stuck to classic hipster-y photo sets, food porn, and fandoms I’m not all too familiar with. But I really wanted to be able to express my thoughts without feeling burdened by the expectations of the kind of blogger I was supposed to be and that everyone else seemed to be. You’re probably wondering why on earth I need a blog, yeah? Why not just write it down? Well, I certainly love pens and paper. And in a moment of complete narcissism, I love my handwriting - in print and in cursive. But it’s slow, and I frequently forget to write things down and at least when it comes to technology, I can start new paragraphs with thoughts that just pop up, and come back to them later when I’m more collected and ready to hash out my angst (or sunshine and butterflies, it depends on what the topics is). 

So that brings me to this. Again, I still haven’t explained my title. Blargh. Yeah, transitions are difficult so I’m not going to bother with them unless they happen to go through my head as I’m typing. [insert a transition that my professor would be proud of] I don’t plan on telling anyone about this blog. If you’ve stumbled across this, cool. I’m only using tags to help me in the future; if I want to recall a moment of inspiration or depression, then they’ll come in handy, but I’m not using them so I can get discovered through the search engine. Or maybe I am, subconsciously, but let’s not go there. It’s a dark place and I’m not too happy there. Yeah. So the journal option isn’t going to work because I’m a very lazy person, and despite how much I like writing in my nicely bound journal with perfect, minimalist formatting, it won’t serve well for this project if I want to be able to un-censor myself in real-time. 

Some rules that I will try to follow:

  1. Pretend that this is a real journal, so not writing things for the fear of offending others is forbidden. No offense.
  2. BE VULNERABLE. I want to grow, and hopefully this will help me get where I need to be.
  3. Um. TBD?

Here’s to staying accountable in documenting my adventures in peeling away the layers I’ve created for myself. Cheers.